…on good food, questionable judgment, and making life work
Every so often, when I’m feeling super-self-esteemy, it occurs to me to cut off all of my hair. You know, to knock myself down a peg or two; to stave off any pomposity or conceit that may be bubbling under my surface. I’ve done it often enough now that I recognize it as a pattern. And that pattern looks something like this:
Phase One: “Wow. Things are going really well right now! I’m fairly happy and fulfilled! Surely, there is something I can do to restore the imbalance…”
Phase Two: Impulsively pay somebody waaaaay too much to cut off all of my hair.
Phase Three: “Welp. Now I gotta live with this for a while.”
And as one does when one radically alters their appearance, I live with it–publicly. Mind you, I never get weepy or depressed about a shitty haircut–it’s only hair, it’ll come back (and then I’ll cut it all off again). It’s an exercise in humility–you can embrace the experience and try to learn something about yourself or you can hole up and withdraw into a world of hats and despair. So, if you’re currently dealing with or plan on getting a bad haircut, allow me to offer some helpful tips for getting through the process:
A. Pack on 10-15 lbs as quickly as you can. Nothing compliments a shitty haircut better than a double chin and some jowls.
B. Experiment with your make up–and get weird with it. Thicken up those brows!
C. Get spendy–spend it ALL. The internet exists for two reasons–online shopping and Googling diseases you probably don’t have.
But let’s not forget getting creative in the kitchen–I’ve been working on a cocktail that I want to call The Coping Mechanism. The Coping Mechanism will come in a variety of forms, much like the Corpse Reviver and Corpse Reviver #2. The Coping Mechanism #1 is 2 parts gin to one part gin, shaken well over ice (yes, you read that correctly).
The Great Lime Shortage of 2014 is cramping my style. In trying to create the Coping Mechanism #2, I attempted to find a suitable stand-in for lime (not lemon–too obvious.) I got to thinking that unripe kiwi might be interesting…and came up with this:
Coping Mechanism #2
1/2 of a kiwi, peeled
5-6 leaves of cilantro
1/2 oz heavy simple syrup
3 oz vodka
Muddle kiwi and cilantro in a cocktail shaker until kiwi is thoroughly smashed. Add simple syrup, vodka, and shake with ice. Strain into a cocktail glass with a fine mesh sieve to remove cilantro leaves and kiwi seeds & chunklets.
As stated, the flavor is pretty flat. So, I ask for your help. Send me some non-lemon, non-lime ideas here, folks. As of this writing, my hair has grown juuuuust long enough to pull into a pitiable ponytail, with the aid of three barrettes, 57 bobby pins, and half a bottle of hairspray. Which is to say, …
Where did you go?