PWI–Parenting While Intoxicated

…on good food, questionable judgment, and making life work

An Exclusive PWI Exposé: 5 Mundane Mysteries of Israel

After spending an extensive amount of time in Israel exposing the indigenous peoples to the wonders of delicious bourbon, I must share with my colleagues back home a few details that have been sticking out over the course of our expedition:

#1 – Ugly Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs (CFL’s) Are Everywhere

MEET YOUR LIGHTING OVERLORD

MEET YOUR LIGHTING OVERLORD

EVERYWHERE.  Somewhere along the way, there must have been some sort of law passed, some sort of deal with a some company, I don’t know, but not only are there no incandescent light bulbs left, and no LED’s yet.  What does this mean in a practical sense?  That means if you don’t like the light spectrum from LED’s (you know, that feeling where you feel like you are in a school or office building from the 70’s), you’re going to be sorely disappointed.  It also means that if you are in a room with a bunch of light switches, you’re going to be waiting a while to figure out how to turn on the lights, because you have to wait that couple of second gap as the damn things warm up.

You’re also going to see a lot of this

I think the buzzing noise is melting my brain

I think the buzzing noise is melting my brain

And it is crazy, they use exposed CFL’s in EVERYTHING, including in chandeliers in important places – zero regard for aesthetic.  There are none of the bulbs that you see in the US where the CFL is covered by a shroud.

What mysteries lie behind this glass?

What mysteries lie behind this glass?

 

#2 – THE MOST AMAZING TOILET TECHNOLOGY EVER!

BEHOLD - The year 2000!

BEHOLD – The year 2000!

I know, I know, what’s amazing about toilets?  Shy of the legislation that passed in the 90’s, there really haven’t been a lot of advances in the ol’ US of A when it comes to potty technology.  Israel has as a standard of Dual Flush toilets.  That means that you get to choose how powerful you need that flush to be!  For minor jobs, press the smaller button.  For more serious concerns, press the larger button.  Or as I found out one day, if you have committed a crime against humanity, you can rapidly mash both buttons and pray that the superior technology hides all traces of your indiscretions from your travelling companions or hosts (sourcing of matches is up to you).

Right - Business as usual Left - You've been bad

Right – Business as usual
Left – You’ve been bad

 

#3 – Glasses.  For tiny, tiny folks

 

Around a year ago, whilst looking for a new place to stash my private Kiddush Club collection at my synagogue, I stumbled upon the WORLD’S LARGEST COLLECTION OF JUICE GLASSES.  Seriously.  Should the world ever need a stockpile of 1.5 ounce glasses, West End Synagogue has your hookup.  After visiting Israel, now I know where they all come from.

Right: Normal 10oz Murican glass Left: Israeli glass that will barely make your mouth moist

Left: Typical 10 oz Murican glass
Right: Typical Israeli glass that will barely make your mouth moist

From the second we got off the plane, we were repeatedly advised to hydrate thoroughly and frequently.  The expeditionary force I was attached to did an amazing job of always having bottles of water at the ready.  However, once you leave the safe confines of a caravan, you will soon realize that every single glass in the great state of Israel was designed for a wee, tiny person.  Which will leave you in a state where you will either be hogging a pitcher or bottle if you want to stand a chance of obtaining any sort of moisture.

#4 – What the heck is a king-size bed?

You want to make spoons with your travelling companion?  I hope you like sleeping in the crack, because this is what you’re gonna get:

I have a crack problem

I have a crack problem

So, apparently, there is no such thing as a large mattress in this country.  Which is okay, but know that if it is cuddle time, you’re gonna need some creative cover management skills.

#5 – Half-size shower doors?

Where is the rest of the door?

Where is the rest of the door?

Craziest thing – there have been amazing showers with incredible water pressure.  But a consistent theme is that the doors are all half-sized.  That means that even in the absence of frolicking in the shower, you’re going to be getting water all over the place.  Maybe some contractor lost a bet?  Perhaps this was due to some sort of international treaty?  Who knows….

Stay tuned as we reveal more mysteries from this very strange but beautiful land….

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About Sparky

Sparky is a salaryman for an unspecified Fortune 200 company. But more importantly, he has a smoking jacket and entertains fellow bon vivants in his secret lair, The Manitarium. He believes in booze, charcuterie, bbq, bourbon, villainy, craft cocktails, ascots, the Oxford comma, and freedom. He is married to a beautiful attorney who is a life-long vegetarian and was raised as an experiment by her meddling nutrition scientist parents. He can be found trying to save his kids from a life of vegetables...

3 comments on “An Exclusive PWI Exposé: 5 Mundane Mysteries of Israel

  1. liz
    December 13, 2013

    I’m at Erins. Sucka!

  2. Pingback: King Market – My Dirty Little Secret… | PWI--Parenting While Intoxicated

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This entry was posted on November 11, 2013 by in Unsavory Activities and tagged , , , , .
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